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Does fear turn us to better or “worse” human beings?

When I look back on my life, one thing strikes me again and again: that the people who were the loudest in a room often carry the greatest fear in their hearts. And I don’t exclude myself from this. I couldn’t make this judgment if I hadn’t been in that position myself. Who can recognize the truth on the outside if they haven’t yet recognized it within themselves?

The Wisdom of the Samurai

What incredibly influenced this way of thinking in me is the book “Hagakure” by Tsunetomo Yamamoto. It’s a book about the wisdom of the samurai, and it changed so much in me. Because my life was always shaped by fear – in every respect. Whether it was making decisions or approaching the boy I liked: fear was always my companion. And it still is today, of course.

As I studied other cultures over time, I noticed that this concept of being dead while still alive exists in other cultures as well. Death only means the passing of the body, but the soul lives on. Meeting death daily is like greeting your demons, inviting them for tea, and telling them: “Hey, I’m not afraid of you, so what now?”

When I Thought I Was Fearless

I remember a scene from my life very well. I was on vacation with my parents and my sister on the west coast of Turkey, more precisely in Balıkesir, where we’re from. I simply love it there. You can camp there, by the way, and there are beautiful peaks you can climb, or countless small and large waterfalls. Western Turkey is just different. European, yet Asian. I love that.

Anyway, I had literally inhaled the Hagakure (and also Sun Tzu). And just when I thought I was completely fearless: I swam really deep into the sea that day, so deep that I could no longer see the beach. Full of joy, I pulled my strokes through the waves, did the butterfly into the wave rows. It was an absolute feeling of freedom. The whole time I just thought: “If I die here, at least it’s where I belong. In the water!”

When I came back, I saw my mother’s worried face – and the smiling faces of my sister and my father. An older man lying next to us, a free spirit we had talked to at length before, said to my father in Turkish with a smile: “One must be afraid of this woman.” We all laughed. It was a wonderful moment, and I still felt as free as I had in the waves I had just been diving into.

When Responsibility Brings Fear Back

But back to fear: This vacation was in 2012. I was really at a point where I felt I had no fear at all. I went to demonstrations for humanity and peace, verbally confronted fundamentalists of any intention. But my path was to be different. I met the father of my children and promptly became pregnant a year later and had my first child the year after that.

A year after the birth, we were back in Turkey. This time in Antalya. My daughter was almost a year old, and I was already pregnant with my second child without knowing it. Yes, in the four years during which I had my three children, I felt like a baby-making machine.

The consequence of being a mother was that I was now completely filled with fear. Fear that something would happen to my child. That something would happen to me. I can’t put it into words. So this time, when I went into the water, I no longer swam deep into the sea but stayed nicely along the coast. What a difference. When I came out of the water, I looked around, looked down at the ground and thought: What happened? Where is the woman who swam so deep into the sea?

You know what happened? I had suddenly become a mother and had responsibility. And of course we have responsibility for our children. The only question is: To what extent do we also allow the fear that comes into our lives with this responsibility?

Overcoming Fears – Even as a Mother

I believe that here too it’s important to overcome one’s fears. I didn’t look at the book Hagakure for a very long time. But now I’m back at it. Are my children now old enough to do without their mother? No. I also don’t intend to go to war – into one of the wars currently raging in this world. Nevertheless, overcoming fears is important for further development.

Mental Attitude Makes the Difference

It’s about mental attitude, about mindset. Because I learned one thing from this book: If you are mentally prepared every day to leave this world, to leave your body, you become a little stronger each day. Who needs more strength than a mother of three children?

The samurai meditated daily on death, not to become gloomy, but to be present. To consciously live each moment. Today I practice that too – not in lotus position, but in the midst of everyday chaos. Pausing for a moment. Breathing. Feeling: I am here. Now. Alive.

When was the last time you really paused and felt that you’re alive? What would change if you took a moment each day to look at your fears – without running away from them?